April: My feet hurt.
Sarah: Time for you to get new sneakers, friend.
A: No, my feet always hurt. I went to a surgeon a couple years ago because I thought I needed bunion surgery. He said it was arthritis and told me to wear sneakers on my commute. So I did and I felt better. But they started hurting again after I had the baby. Actually, everything went to pot after the baby. But not in the good way.
S: I don't smoke pot.
A: Me neither. So everything went to pot, but not in the “theoretically” good way.
S: Basically, it went to hell in a hand basket.
A: Yeah. Except that sounds fun. Not the destination, though.
S: No, not the destination. But the hand basket part does sound fun.
A: Agreed. Yay for the ride, boo for the heat and brimstone.
S: You know my people don't do heat! At least until we hit 75 years old, when we automatically become cold all the time… Come to think of it, we don't do hell, either.
A: So what happens if you're bad?
S: It’s kind of an individual belief. Personally, I think you just cease to exist.
A: That's it?
S: That's it, end of story. I can't think of anything worse than ceasing to exist and missing out on those superbly furnished and well-attended seven levels of heaven!
A: What about being a spider? Being reincarnated as a spider would be worse than ceasing to exist.
S: It wouldn't be so bad if you were a big spider living in the jungle or a rainforest and surrounded by plenty of things to eat.
A: It would be terrifying, especially if I caught a glimpse of my scary spider body.
S: It's not like spiders look in the mirror – especially in the rainforest.
A: But you'd have about a million eyes. At least one of them would notice an extra four hairy limbs.
S: Well that's just silly... How did we get here, anyway?
A: My feet hurt.
Dear Reader(s), that actually happened. Seriously. This is how we began our morning. Should explain a lot!
And later that day...
S: Where did this Reese's Peanut Butter Cup come from?
A: Liza. She added to the candy dish yesterday.
S: It's from Hannukah?
A: No, Liza. She said, "Dump!"
S: She said "dump?"
A: No, she didn't really say that. I don't know what she said. She just came in here and dumped some candy in the jar.
S: All she put in was a peanut butter cup?
A: No, silly! She put the Snickers in, too.
S: What Snickers?
A: The one I ate for breakfast. Obviously.
Posts
I wish I really liked candy that nobody else liked, that way when I went to "add to the candy jar" I would add candy that nobody else liked except me and people would go, "ew, who added that!?" and I'd go, "oh my gosh! You don't like______?! I love them, I'm sorry!" but secretly I wouldn't be sorry I would be happy that I would always have the candy I liked. Unfortunatly Jenny does not allow me to have candy right now- although I did have an excellent "snack bar" last night that tasted suspiciously close to a snickers bar. I might add Jenny Craig snack bars to the dish.
ReplyDeleteDear O.S.,
ReplyDeleteFactini: you would appear to be generous and thoughtful to others, but still reap the rewards of not sharing your candy! You are quite a trickster... and I love it. Too bad Jenny is such a tough mistress and doesn't fall for your tricksiness ;)